I kept something of a running commentary in a notebook throughout the trip-day (which is now a week and a half old), the contents of which are below.
4:37 AM - Columbus
I'm awake. I pretty much have been for about an hour. I'm so excited I could barely sleep last night.
5:45 AM - Columbus Airport
Airport security was a complete breeze, as might be expected this time of morning. I'm actually kind of surprised no one said anything about my traveling contents:
5 issues of GQ
3 issues of Details
2 issues of Dwell
1 issue of Time
3 Books: "Positively Outrageous Service," "Why Service Stinks," and "Don Quixote"
1 box of Low Fat Brown Sugar Cinnamon PopTarts
1 box of Fruit Snacks
1 bottle of aspirin
1 iPod shuffle (Thanks, April!)
1 Blackberry
1 cell phone
1 bottle of eyedrops
Clearly this is the traveling ephemera of a man up to no good.
6:15 AM - Columbus Airport
My mom is right. This entire trip is crazy.
6:30 AM - Columbus Airport
Boarding time. As is to be expected with the modern airline industry, there isn't a gate agent in sight.
6:35 AM - Columbus Airport
Gate agent arrives.
6:40 AM - Columbus Airport
I wonder if John Traveler gets confused when he looks at American's standby list.
6:45 AM - Columbus Airport
Now boarding.
7:15 AM - Columbus Airport
Takeoff
7:28 AM - Somewhere over Ohio
I like Regina Spektor. Thanks again for the iPod, lovely wife!
8:00 AM - Somewhere over Illinois?
I've just finished the in-flight magazine. It was probably the most boring issue of American Way I've ever read. Which is sad, because I actually enjoy going through American Way.
8:01 AM - Somewhere over Illinois?
I think I just tore my rotator cuff reaching down to get into my bag.
8:02 AM - Somewhere over Illinois.
Beginning initial descent.
8:20 AM/7:20 AM Central - St. Louis Airport
Exiting the plane.
7:45 AM - St. Louis Airport
Just got off the phone with my parents. I definitely sensed bemusement on the other end at this whole scenario. They thought about coming to visit me, but it's 7 fucking 45 in the morning.
7:48 AM - St. Louis Airport
I love airports. Specifically, I love that you can get a beer at 7:48 in the morning at airports.
7:50 AM - St. Louis Airport
There are lots of people here who are actually going places. Chumps.
8:15 AM - St. Louis Airport
I've never really understood the concept of a Brooks Brothers at the airport. Do people really buy suits at the airport? And wouldn't it make more sense to put it by baggage claim so that if the airline lost your bags, you actually
could buy a suit if you had an important meeting? TSA isn't going to let you back through security to buy a suit unless you have a ticket for that day.
8:18 AM - St. Louis Airport
Hustler magazine. Do people really buy this at the airport? Do they read it on the plane? Will the flight attendants ask you to put it away? Will they whisper in hushed tones about you if you decide to use the bathroom in-flight, assuming that you're making a withdrawal from the spank bank? Inquiring minds want to know. Seriously, one of these days I'm buying Hustler magazine at the airport.
8:20 AM - St. Louis Airport
The guy at the gate is going around looking at bags to see if any of them need to be gate checked. He reminds me of what Jim Broadbent and Dick Cheney's love-child might look like.
8:40 AM - St. Louis Airport
Boarding.
8:42 AM (Central Time)- 11:30 AM (Eastern Time) - Somewhere between St. Louis and Philadelphia
I was assigned the only seat in the first row. The flight attendant let me move to my own row heading to Philly. I've put all the armrests up and am pretty much treating the row like a sofa, complete with feet up on the seat. I've spent the entire flight reading GQ magazine. Seriously, I never realized how long it takes to read a magazine from cover to cover.
11:30 AM - Nearing Philadelphia
Beginning initial descent.
11:40 AM - Over metro Philly
It really
is sunny in Philadelphia.
11:41 AM - Over metro Philly
I wonder if I can make it to that IKEA and back in time to go to Chicago.
11:41 AM - Over metro Philly
Better not risk it.
11:42 AM - Over metro Philly
Shipyards are really, really cool.
11:50 AM - Philadelphia Airport
Disembarking plane.
11:59 AM - Philadelphia Airport
Worried about a short layover in Chicago, I've just gotten myself put on the earlier flight out of here. There were 68 empty seats, so no big deal.
12:00 PM - Philadelphia Airport
Lunch options in A terminal are pretty lame. I've just ordered a beer and a pretzel.
12:48 PM - Philadelphia Airport
The lunch options in the B&C terminals are significantly better. Dammit.
1:18 PM - Philadelphia Airport
Somewhat bored with walking around, I order a latte. When paying, I am informed that there is a $10 minimum charge for credit cards. I inform them that this is a blatant and direct violation of their service agreement with Visa. I am charged $10 for a latte, and have added Java & Jazz to my shitlist. I will be notifying Visa of the transgression. Best case scenario: they lose their ability to accept Visa cards for 30 days, or have to pay higher processing fees. Fuckers. (Update: I did report them to Visa the next week. And Mastercard. Don't fuck with me or your service agreement with the credit card companies. Just another way I look out for you, the consumer, here at Hopeless Geek.)
1:30ish - 2:00ish PM - Philadelphia Airport
Sitting around, listening to music, and reading Details magazine
2:00 PM - Philadelphia Airport
Now boarding. I've got a whole row to myself again.
2:28 PM (Eastern)- Philadelphia Airport
Takeoff.
3:53 PM (Central) - Chicago O'Hare
Landed. I can't believe I haven't even made it through 3 magazines. Seriously, who has time to read more than one magazine a month?
4:08 PM - Chicago O'Hare
I'm debating getting on an earlier flight to Columbus. At this point I'll probably have a pretty crappy seat. Better not risk it.
4:48 PM - Chicago O'Hare
I've just bought April a Bears hat and myself an issue of The Economist and Hustler magazine. Somewhere, a computer algorithm is scrutinizing this purchase.
5:13 PM - Chicago O'Hare
I've just ordered some sort of burrito for dinner. Not bad. I brought along a bunch of food to eat so that I could avoid paying ridiculous airport food prices, but apparently I really like airport food selections.
6:01 PM - Chicago O'Hare
Now boarding. My trip is coming to an end.
6:12 PM (Central) - 8:40 PM (Eastern) - Chicago to Columbus
Seriously, you barely make it to cruising altitude on this flight. By the way, I finished my third magazine.
8:40 PM - Columbus
Done. Can't believe it. Waste of time, energy, money, and fuel. When can I do it again?
Things I learned:
A winter coat isn't necessary if you never leave the airport. You'll be cold coming from and getting to your car, but you don't need it the rest of the day.
You will bring way to much to read. It is impossible to read more than five magazines in a day if you go through them cover to cover.
It is impossible to resist airport food.
The airlines lost money on me today.
